A Friend with Narcissistic Personality

Early in the Spring of this year my best friend approached me about reading a section of the book he had downloaded on his Kindle. He asked me to read it and then comment on who I thought it described. I read beyond what he had asked me to because I was so intrigued and at the same time I felt some questions had been answered.

My response was that reading the section on Narcissistic Personality Disorder described her to a T. In fact, I continued to do research online, purchasing books and reviewing forums. The more I read the more I was intrigued and at the same time, sad.

This person that I thought I knew for the last six years was someone who is incapable of ever being a true friend. Things were explained so much yet still trying to deal with her has been an absolute challenge. Currently I am reading the book Narcissism: Denial of the True Self by Alexander Lowen, M. D. it has been by far, the best book I have read on Narcissism and the most helpful.

I have been questioned about the “diagnosis”  of my close friend until I start to explain things. About a year and a half ago we gave her the nickname the “queen” because she always wants to be in control of things. When her husband started to stand up for himself and say no or in fact just ignore it then she started to whine, pout or argue.

He has asked her numerous times to stop spending money. In 2008 she opened up two credit cards and within two years she maxed both of them out , $32K worth of debt which at the end of 2010 she had to file for bankruptcy which resulted in him losing his long time credit card he had for over 20 years with perfect credit that was now gone.

Her attitude after the bankruptcy was that she could get another credit card because she wiped out her debt. Well, when she tried applying for one because I had applied and been granted a small one to rebuild my credit, she was declined.

A long time ago she would tell me she wishes she could be like me. I never understood that comment until I started reading about Narcissism.  Then that worried me. I noticed all of the time, in fact every time I ever had a conversation with her husband she would always pipe in as if she was him and knew the stuff he knew or did. It is very annoying. Well, I learned through research that is how a Narcissistic person is. They act like the person whom they are attached to. And not only has that attachment been her husband, now it is also me.

Years ago before I even knew the two of them, both were involved in affairs. From listening to both sides, she was the one who explored first, but if you listen to her tell you the stories she blames him. She blames him because he didn’t tell her before he had his affair so he was the bad one while she continued to be with this person and that person. What she was doing was fine and what he was doing was wrong?

Lately I have had to deal with what I consider a serious issue with her. At least four times in the last six months she has shown up unannounced at my apartment. No phone calls, texts, emails, nothing. Yesterdays incident I predicted. The others I had not and they had taken me back. The first time she did it her husband had come along and realized I had a strange look on my face. When I explained to him I had no idea they were coming over and he had asked me if she had called, text or anything and I answered no, he was just as shocked as me.

Often she will do quirky things. One day she’ll be your “best” friend and the next day or two or three you won’t hear from her. Some days if we are all going together for a ride in the mountains, to go hiking, on a picnic or to an event she’ll let me sit up in the front seat of the vehicle. Other days I have to ask.

The craziest issue by far has to be who likes ME and who doesn’t. I have been told as has her husband, that I am not liked by his parents or hers. Interesting because:

Quite often his mother will ask how I and my kids are doing, whenever I go over there she usually gives me little trinkets and toys to give to my kids and recently she asked if I could come over and fix her computer, which she paid me for. Her mom will ask how I and my kids are doing too. In January of this year her father passed away. My youngest son, which her mother adores went with me on the 3 hour trip to Middle TN. Her mother hugged me and my son and thanked us for coming. Afterwards we were invited over to her house and eventually invited to go eat with them at Cracker Barrel. I am pretty sure if someone didn’t like me they wouldn’t be so nice!

There have been so many times conversations with her have caused wedges between me and people we know. Since discovering she has a narcissistic personality I am learning to not take everything she says with a grain of salt. It’s not always easy because there are times she does tell the truth you just never know what is being twisted until you talk to the other party.

I am sure some would question me being friends with someone who has a narcissistic personality. I don’t “unfriend” someone easily. This person has done a lot for me and my family, yet every thing I have read tells me it is not genuine and that hurts. It is sad enough that from everything I have studied about Narcissistic Personality Disorder there is no cure, medicine or treatment that helps. The biggest issue I have found is that the person with NPD has to acknowledge they have problems. Knowing my friend for almost seven years now, I know she won’t admit to that. Everyone in her mind has problems, but she does not.