family – Page 5 – The Jeep Guru

August 24, 2012August 23, 2012

A Friend with Narcissistic Personality

Early in the Spring of this year my best friend approached me about reading a section of the book he had downloaded on his Kindle. He asked me to read it and then comment on who I thought it described. I read beyond what he had asked me to because I was so intrigued and at the same time I felt some questions had been answered.

My response was that reading the section on Narcissistic Personality Disorder described her to a T. In fact, I continued to do research online, purchasing books and reviewing forums. The more I read the more I was intrigued and at the same time, sad.

This person that I thought I knew for the last six years was someone who is incapable of ever being a true friend. Things were explained so much yet still trying to deal with her has been an absolute challenge. Currently I am reading the book Narcissism: Denial of the True Self by Alexander Lowen, M. D. it has been by far, the best book I have read on Narcissism and the most helpful.

I have been questioned about the “diagnosis” of my close friend until I start to explain things. About a year and a half ago we gave her the nickname the “queen” because she always wants to be in control of things. When her husband started to stand up for himself and say no or in fact just ignore it then she started to whine, pout or argue.

He has asked her numerous times to stop spending money. In 2008 she opened up two credit cards and within two years she maxed both of them out , $32K worth of debt which at the end of 2010 she had to file for bankruptcy which resulted in him losing his long time credit card he had for over 20 years with perfect credit that was now gone.

Her attitude after the bankruptcy was that she could get another credit card because she wiped out her debt. Well, when she tried applying for one because I had applied and been granted a small one to rebuild my credit, she was declined.

A long time ago she would tell me she wishes she could be like me. I never understood that comment until I started reading about Narcissism. Then that worried me. I noticed all of the time, in fact every time I ever had a conversation with her husband she would always pipe in as if she was him and knew the stuff he knew or did. It is very annoying. Well, I learned through research that is how a Narcissistic person is. They act like the person whom they are attached to. And not only has that attachment been her husband, now it is also me.

Years ago before I even knew the two of them, both were involved in affairs. From listening to both sides, she was the one who explored first, but if you listen to her tell you the stories she blames him. She blames him because he didn’t tell her before he had his affair so he was the bad one while she continued to be with this person and that person. What she was doing was fine and what he was doing was wrong?

Lately I have had to deal with what I consider a serious issue with her. At least four times in the last six months she has shown up unannounced at my apartment. No phone calls, texts, emails, nothing. Yesterdays incident I predicted. The others I had not and they had taken me back. The first time she did it her husband had come along and realized I had a strange look on my face. When I explained to him I had no idea they were coming over and he had asked me if she had called, text or anything and I answered no, he was just as shocked as me.

Often she will do quirky things. One day she’ll be your “best” friend and the next day or two or three you won’t hear from her. Some days if we are all going together for a ride in the mountains, to go hiking, on a picnic or to an event she’ll let me sit up in the front seat of the vehicle. Other days I have to ask.

The craziest issue by far has to be who likes ME and who doesn’t. I have been told as has her husband, that I am not liked by his parents or hers. Interesting because:

Quite often his mother will ask how I and my kids are doing, whenever I go over there she usually gives me little trinkets and toys to give to my kids and recently she asked if I could come over and fix her computer, which she paid me for. Her mom will ask how I and my kids are doing too. In January of this year her father passed away. My youngest son, which her mother adores went with me on the 3 hour trip to Middle TN. Her mother hugged me and my son and thanked us for coming. Afterwards we were invited over to her house and eventually invited to go eat with them at Cracker Barrel. I am pretty sure if someone didn’t like me they wouldn’t be so nice!

There have been so many times conversations with her have caused wedges between me and people we know. Since discovering she has a narcissistic personality I am learning to not take everything she says with a grain of salt. It’s not always easy because there are times she does tell the truth you just never know what is being twisted until you talk to the other party.

I am sure some would question me being friends with someone who has a narcissistic personality. I don’t “unfriend” someone easily. This person has done a lot for me and my family, yet every thing I have read tells me it is not genuine and that hurts. It is sad enough that from everything I have studied about Narcissistic Personality Disorder there is no cure, medicine or treatment that helps. The biggest issue I have found is that the person with NPD has to acknowledge they have problems. Knowing my friend for almost seven years now, I know she won’t admit to that. Everyone in her mind has problems, but she does not.

August 13, 2012

The Autism Road

Being the parent of an Autistic child has been a challenge. But being a single parent of an Autistic child can at times be doubly hard. The journey with my son along the Autism road had been a rough one early on. Most of his teachers and the specialists that worked with him from Headstart Pre-K through the second grade were mostly adamant he was ADHD.

I wasn’t buying that and I was at times treated as if I were being defiant or in denial about the situation.

Actually, what triggered the doubt was that my son had not been officially tested, but also that a behavior specialist that observed him for a week in his first grade classroom flat out told me she didn’t believe he had ADHD. She noted that Caleb was showing signs of sensory problems. And as I did research online that made sense.

However, when I made the move 100 miles away from home with my son we were once again faced with the issue of the school staff insisting my son has ADHD because he was hyper at times and couldn’t focus. So I took him to a pediatrician who in turn gave me four pieces of paper with hundreds of questions with boxes to choose answers that fit my son. After spending 30 minutes going over it the doctor quickly reviewed it and diagnosed him with ADHD. He was promptly put on Vyvanse which I was told would take about two weeks to start working.

Terrible, terrible move on my part!

In the beginning the medicine did show some promise. My son’s behavior had shown some improvement and his grades were better. That was short lived though.

Within two months of starting Vyvanse it felt as if all hell had broken loose. The behavior was starting to go backwards, he would NOT sleep and he refused to take a bath. I had been told as far as the sleeping issue goes that the first two weeks on the medication would be sleepless, but this was two months after starting it. Also, the bath issue was extremely unusual for my son. He had always asked to take multiple baths during a lot of days just because he liked playing in them. I literally had to lift him up into the tub and wash him myself because he would be kicking and screaming as if he were terrified.

After graduating from college and moving back home I took my son to his regular pediatrician. When I told her what had been going on she immediately told me that Vyvanse doesn’t work. We were then referred to a center that specialized in testing children for behavioral and developmental issues.

Two months later he started testing which would go on for three months before a diagnosis would be given.

In March of 2011 we received the diagnosis of high functioning Autism, PDD-NOS; Pervasive Development Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. It felt as if a million bricks had been lifted off my back! I wasn’t happy that my son has a developmental disorder, but I was relieved that there was finally a definitive answer to all that had been going on and now we could focus on the future.

Since that time my son has been receiving occupational therapy, was fitted for glasses and sees two specialists who focus on helping him learn social skills, one at his school and one through the therapy center he goes to bi-monthly.

Even though I have seen some improvement in his behavior, he still has his days. We still go through so much since everyday is never predictable. One day he may be the best behaved child while another day I want to just crawl into my bed and hide under the covers.

The biggest and greatest challenge for now is advocating and teaching friends and family about Autism as well as how my son functions. Some people still want to treat him as if he were a normal child when in fact he is a special child. They don’t understand that what you typically do to a normal child doesn’t exactly work with him. Once I explain the situation with some examples it is as if a light bulb goes off. It is hard for others who are not around him frequently and usually he ends up getting on their last nerve. One thing I was taught right away after his diagnosis is that you cannot change him. I have to learn to work with him instead. That has been a challenge!

One very important thing that has to be remembered is that he does very well when there is consistency. If he knows we are going somewhere after school or I am going to cook one of his favorite meals there is a much higher rate of cooperation from him. If he asks me to do something such as wake him up with a specific puppy dog he tends to respond better. Learning what makes him tick is the key to making things better for the both of us. I make not like it all the time, if I want my sanity to stay though I have to relinquish the feeling of complete control and work with him the best I can.

February 15, 2012February 15, 2012

Bridge Repair – correcting an oops

“Mister Straw, I need your help,” the county engineer said to my grandfather. “We have a dragline in the creek and we hope you can help us pull it out.”

The engineer went on to explain that they were installing a new bridge on one of the county roads. They had fabricated a new concrete bridge to replace the old wooden structure. They had cast a new concrete deck but had retained the original wooden abutments. During the back filling of the road bed, one of the abutments had been pushed off vertical and collapsed under the weight of the new bridge.

One end of the bridge had fallen into the creek. They had brought out the drag line to try to raise the bridge and now it was in the creek too – on its side.

Daddy Straw surveyed the situation and assured him that he could recover both the machine and save the bridge. Back at the shop he had my Dad and my uncle collect cribbing and jacks. HE then had one of the other employees drive the shop crane to the job site.

The shop crane or winch truck as he called it was made from a Ford lat bed truck with most of the body removed. There was a large boom mounted on the back. The rear axle had been replaced with one from a motor grader. A huge winch form a bulldozer was drive by the truck’s PTO. The operator’s seat faced the rear of the truck. Driving it to the job site meant an uncomfortable neck strain for the driver.

First they recovered the fallen machine using the old winch truck. Next, they set about raising the bridge.

My dad and his brother took on the task of wrestling the heavy hydraulic jacks and cribbing timbers down the creek bank and under the concrete bridge.

They built a base and began raising the structure a few inches at a time and re-cribbing with wood. It took about three weeks but they were able to raise the bridge back to the level of the roadway without damaging the bridge section.

Next my grandfather fabricated steel supports out of heavy H beams and my dad and his brother were assigned the task of snaking them down the creek bank and setting them in pace under the bridge. The dug down and created a concrete base to set he beams on.

Once that end of the bridge was stabilized, they move to the other end and temporarily lifted that end off the wooded supports. They cut out the wood and fabricated another steel support for that end. They then carefully set the bridge in its final resting place.

I am always amazed at the stories of how my Grandfather who had only a third grade education was called upon to bail out engineers and others who were supposedly more educated than him. I guess his education at the School of Hard Knocks as he called it was a pretty good one.

January 23, 2012

The Legend of Eagle Down

While traveling across Monteagle Mountain I noticed that the signs of an old Indian story that my Grandfather once told me are still there alongside the roadway. Some of them even looked new.

My Grandfather told me of a beautiful Indian maiden of the Cherokee tribe who was betrothed to the son of the Great Chief who had built the stone forts on the west side of Monteagle Mountain. Eagle Down was known for her sharp features and soft copper colored skin. She was delicate and empathetic as young maidens were trained to be. However she also possessed the passion and tenacity of her namesake.

The stone carver’s son was a handsome lad who was also very clever in the ways of carving and stacking stones. His father proudly referred to him as a “chip of the old block.” He greatly respected his father and the traditions of the Indian tribe.

Eagle Down loved him greatly even though she was more progressive in her views. Her passion burned inside her and she did not understand why they needed to wait until the Summer Solstice to marry. She knew what she wanted and she wanted it right then.

On day in late spring her impatience and passion burned inside her. She began teasing her betrothed and questioning his virility. She went so far as to assert that his brother Pebbles might make a more suitable mate for her.

She walked off holding Pebbles arm but dashed off to her family’s hut when she was out of sight. The next morning she awoke and went looking for her betrothed. She was told he had gone hunting in the mountains. He planned to bring back a huge buck to prove his virility.

Eagle Down went out to the edge of the camp and waited. She waited all day for her betrothed. She began to wish she had not been so cruel in teasing him. She had only hoped to get his attention not send him on a fool’s mission.

At supper time her parents came to get her. She refused to move. She waited all night for him to return. When he did not return the next day, she decided to go looking for him. She had heard him talk about the large deer that grazed about the cliffs of Mount Eagle. She packed a bag and set out in search of him fearing that he may have been injured or was too embarrassed to come home with out a prize deer.

She searched and searched for him but could not find him. Eventually, she returned home to see if she had somehow missed him on the trail. She was told that if he did not return that she would marry Pebbles on the solstice instead. She slipped out in the night to continue her search.

After many days of searching, she was tired and hungry. She came across a settlement of white people in the forest. They took her in and taught her English. They agreed to help her in her search. They helped her make signs and placed them along the main paths, trails and eventually roadways.

These signs are still visible in the mountains today. As you travel, you will often see the bright yellow signs that Eagle Down put up in her search for her beloved son of Chief Rock Carver: “Watch for Falling Rock.”

January 3, 2012January 3, 2012

Jeep Cherokee Power Steering Hose Replacement

I have replaced several power steering hoses on various Jeep Cherokees. It has gotten to be a pretty straight forward job. See this previous post on how to replace a power steering hose.

Janice’s 1999 Cherokee had been emitting a puff of smoke each time she turned her XJ to full lock. Although there was little sign of a leak on the hose, our experience with the Green Jeep catching fire due to a power steering hose leak made me extra cautious.

I got a new hose and then pulled the electric fan and the air box to make room. I tried using the various 18mm wrenches I had to get the hose loose from the steering box. I have always been successful in the past using an open end wrench. However, this one refused to budge.

I picked up a set of crow foot flare nut wrenches from my local NAPA store. They have a great set of tools in a nice case for around $20. Unfortunately I forgot that the bottom is an 18mm and the top is a 5/8 inch. I bought only the SAE set. The store was closed for the holiday by the time I figured out I also need the metric set.

Jennifer rescued me by searching until she found a set at O’Reilly’s. It is still a nice set for about the same price as the NAPA set but does not have the nice case.

I used the 18 metric crow foot flare nut wrench to break loose the lower line. It took a lot of torque but it eventually broke free. Janice and Jennifer were able to finish taking it out using the 18mm stubby wrench.

I used the 5/8 crow foot to pop loose the upper hose. It was not nearly as tight. I showed them how to put on the O rings on each end of the hose and let them get the lines threaded into place. The lower one always seems to be difficult and takes some patience to get it started.

After the new line was installed, I had them add some fluid and jack up the front of the Jeep. They turned the wheel from lock to lock to bleed the air out of the line. After that, they started the engine and repeated the process.

Once most of the air was out, she turned the wheel to one of the locks and listened for the pressure relief to open. There was a noticeable change in sound as the last of the air purged.

I rechecked the level of fluid in the power steering reservoir and checked for leaks again. Now we all feel much safer driving the Jeep.

Powercraft Power Steering Pressure Hose – 80290