Category: Life Lessons

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Losing a Loved One

This past Wednesday I experienced something I had hoped would not happen for at least another ten years, when I would be in my mid 40’s. An aunt whom I was close to, who was like a second mother to me passed away suddenly. Late last week she was hospitalized to have a procedure done to open up her arteries though the doctors had said it would be risky as her arteries were 99% blocked. In fact, this past summer when I was in TX visiting and having a family vacation she told me they were clogged yet the doctor had not done anything yet.

So when she was in the hospital this past week she had a mini stroke and on Monday afternoon after having started the procedure to open the arteries up she had a massive stroke. Part of the plaque had broken away causing major brain damage resulting in eventual death.

Once I found out the situation I wanted to get there as soon as possible to say my goodbyes. But, that did not happen.

The earliest flight I could get was about eight hours after she passed away. I had no idea though that she had passed on until I arrived at the airport in Houston. I had to also wait to break the news to my dad about an hour later. In the meantime I was sad, in fact, I was devastated.

It has been four days since she passed away and life is still numb. Being in TX was a fog because I kept thinking I need to call my aunt to tell her I was there until I came back to reality briefly knowing she was the reason I was there.

I dreaded visitation. I had told some of my family members I wasn’t ready for this. I broke down on shoulders of family. It hurt so bad and still does. My aunt meant so much to me. She and my uncle raised my brother and I early in our childhood after their three children were grown. They had done so much for us and even put up with our childhood issues even into teenage years. All I could remember were the things my aunt had done for me. Making the pallets to sleep on at night, her tucking me in, sitting and talking to me, cuddling next to her while watching tv in the evenings. She would make my baths, wash my hair while I laid on the counter in the kitchen. She would mark my height on the post on the back porch. When I graduated from high school in TN she came up with my dad, granny and brother. Before my first daughter was born she bought the baby bed which I still have.

It helped to talk to certain people though. My cousin Tony who has always been known as the tough person was breaking down crying. After hugging him he told me that she treated me as if I was one of her own. That meant so much to me. I finally toughened myself up to go to my Uncle who had a stroke about a year ago and thanked him and Aunt Marie for taking care of me, raising me. It was touching when he smiled and said I Love You.

I finally with the help of my cousin Tony’s wife Wanda, who used to live behind my Aunt and Uncle many years ago went to my Aunts casket and just broke down and cried. I touched my Aunt’s wrist and hand brushing my hand across. I didn’t want to say goodbye.

The day of her visitation had froze about five feet from her casket. I turned around and sat on the first pew and just poured my eyes out. I seen some of my aunts friends and spent time with other people before mustering up enough strength to pay my respects.

The next day after her funeral everyone got to say one last goodbye. I went up and poured my eyes out again. It hurt enough to watch my uncle break down and cry.

I kept telling myself I shouldn’t be here. I should be at home spending time with my kids and instead I am forced to do something I didn’t ask or want to do.

In the funeral procession there had to have been about 150-200 vehicles. We passed by the West Galveston County precinct building where voting was taking place. My aunt was involved with working the elections until this last time. As we went by there were three women who had worked with her who were crying and waving at everyone as they passed by. It was very touching.

The cemetery service was very brief yet it hit me very hard when the pastor of her church, St. John’s Lutheran had picked up some of the dirt and spread it out saying ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Those things really sealed everything.

Though the tears continue to flow, I still have periods of time when I am content or angry about it all. Today I headed back home to TN. Just as the plane left the ground the tears flowed a little more. I still had times I would just randomly cry when something would remind me of my aunt.

I tried walking in my best friends woods only to see the beauty of the fall and break down. I know the tears will continue to flow which is ok. I know I will have times I will be angry and that is ok. I know it will take time to recover which is totally up to me. I have to allow myself to go through the grieving process on my own.

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The Stigma of Public Assistance: Coming from A Beneficiary

Ever know someone receiving public assistance that is working, going to school, volunteering or all of the previous? The stigma in America is that most people on public assistance are lazy, moochers, lack motivation and expect a handout. But is that really the case?

We have many people receiving public assistance such as Food Stamps (aka SNAP benefits) that just a few years ago would have never imagined they would be in the position to be in need of assistance. Many middle class families have lost their jobs, their homes, their cars, their livelihood. Yet, Americans continue to voice their harsh, close minded opinions of people on public assistance.

Chances are, most Americans have never set foot in a public housing project, subsidized apartment complex or in the home of a family who has fell on hard times and possess a SNAP card.

One inspiring single mom, I will refer to as Jenn is tired of the stigma associated with being a SNAP beneficiary. Jenn says that most of the time the issue has been brought up on Facebook, which has at times resulted in her deactivating her account because close friends and family who know her will stir up the issue anyways even though they know people like her who have worked hard towards being independent.

Ten years ago Jenn would have never imagined herself being on what was then, Food Stamps. She was a married, stay at home mom of two children, a girl and a boy, living the American Dream. Jenn & her family lived in a middle class neighborhood in a tri-level house, fenced in backyard with a swing set and two dogs.

In 2004, that American Dream came to crashing end. Her now ex-husband lost his job of 11 years in part because he had recently been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder, severe depression. Jenn took over the reigns and worked two jobs for about six months before friends and family pleaded with her to change direction in her life and focus on taking better care of herself and her two young children. It was a hard pill to swallow with her because she had worked hard to keep her family together and to build something she had never had yet always dreamed of.

Her now ex-husband had been quite emotionally, mentally abusive for a time. He was an alcoholic as well as an on and off again drug addict on top of his recent diagnosis of Bi-Polar disorder. The only way Jenn could recover from the years of turmoil was to break away and start over.

Fast forward to today. Jenn has accomplished a lot although she feels at times discouraged. For the last two years she and her oldest son and just recently, her daughter (her oldest child) has been living in a subsidized apartment complex. She says that just living where she is at also has a stigma attached to it, mostly because of past issues which she says have been mostly eliminated thanks in part to an apartment manager who has aggressively changed things.

In late 2004 Jenn lost her job because her boss chose to take advantage of the fact he could fire employees without any reason, which was devastating to her family. However, she was able to receive unemployment assistance.

A year later, Jenn gave birth to another son, Hunter. By then Jenn had been forced to move into public housing. At that point she felt like she had hit rock bottom. But Jenn had plans to make it a temporary thing. In January 2006 she started classes at her local community college, full time. When she realized that dependable child care was a major issue during her first semester in college, she took advantage of online courses offered through her college. Every semester Jenn was a full time student. Several semesters she made the honor roll, something she had never done in middle or high school.

A year and a half later, Jenn transferred to a 4-year university, still taking courses online. After a year and a half of having challenges working with her advisor, she once again transferred to another 4 year university where she and her oldest son also moved to, 100 miles away from friends and family. That was something Jenn had never done in her life.

See, prior to her second transfer, Jenn HAD a job that last for nine months. It unfortunately was eliminated because of the economy. Jenn’s ex husband had also quit paying child support, so Jenn was forced to pack up her belongings and put most of it in storage and move to her mom and step dad’s home. There, Jenn and her boys were forced to sleep on the front porch even when the weather got down to 25 degrees. Many nights Jenn shed tears of discouragement and frustration. During the day though, Jenn persevered, determined she would finish college.

What gave her a boost was being granted housing from the second 4 yr university she transferred to.

In May 2010, Jenn graduated from college. Her hopes had been that she would have a job soon after graduating college to avoid having to move back home and possibly move back in with her family. After applying to 50+ jobs around graduation time, she came to the realization she would have to go back home.

Jenn was extremely discouraged. Here she had a piece of paper that she had worked very hard for and yet that paper could not get her a decent paying job to get her on her feet and off of public assistance. Even back at home, Jenn continued to apply to jobs and she got two interviews. One though wanted to pay her a mere $.50 more an hour than a high school graduate. Her best friend created a budget for her and determined if she took the job she would be worse off than her current situation. The other job chose someone else.

Instead of giving in, Jenn kept on trying, even applying to places like Toys R Us and fast food restaurants to no avail. Finally Jenn decided she would look into going to grad school. Jenn found an online grad school that she could start soon after her application and financial aid paperwork was completed. She felt it was better than sitting around doing nothing.

Jenn has continued to work hard in grad school and will be completing her Masters in June 2013.

She is still living in a subsidized apartment complex with hopes that sometime next year she will be gainfully employed and living a better place for her family. Meanwhile she and her family live off of her student loan disbursements and any money she earns doing odd jobs or errands for friends and family.  In the meantime, Jenn is not sitting down feeling sorry for herself.

She has been a band booster president for one of her children’s school bands, she has been a room mom, co-room mom, a parent volunteer, chaperone, concession worker, fall festival booth worker at all three of her kids’ schools. On the adult level, Jenn joined a community service organization two years ago to gain experience but also to spend time with her 86 year old grandfather who has been a member for nearly 40 years.

Jenn has been secretary of the club, going on her third year. Last year she was also asked to be the Lt. Governor for the middle and high school clubs.

The one thing though that stays with Jenn is the stigma that beneficiaries of public assistance do nothing to better themselves. She has gotten to the point she doesn’t like to go grocery shopping although she has some preference to where she goes based on the cashiers attitudes towards customers. Jenn says that many cashiers, especially the young ones usually change their attitude towards her when she tells them she will be using her food stamp card. Many times she has wanted to speak out, but because of her quiet nature she typically walks away saying nothing.

Jenn figures one day it will happen, that she will be in a place to defend herself. She says that she figures most of the time she has more education than the cashiers so it just goes to show their education obviously hasn’t taught them to be more open minded.

In about six months Jenn will be finishing up her last course of her grad school which helps her stay focused. Her hope is that through sharing her story, people will step back and see that there are some people who are making a difference, who are being productive and setting goals to get off of public assistance. Perhaps those who choose to stigmatize will have a change of heart and realize that there are people who are deserving.

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Relieving Stress Part I

As a single mom of three kids ages 14, 10 and 7 as well as a Grad Student and Pre-Nursing Student (among many other things) I deal with stress.

When things recently came to a head I knew there were things I had to do. Stress is known to affect your health, cause memory problems and alter your behavior. If it continues, stress can and has killed people. I still have a lot of life to live so changing my behavior had to start immediately.

Identify your stressors-What causes you stress?

Take some time for yourself. Even if it is taking a walk by yourself for a few minutes a day to clear your mind, Do it.

Write things down in a journal and when you do, be sure to write at least five positive things down. Positive thoughts will help you gradually change your attitude. It doesn’t happen overnight. Within one to two weeks of daily work you will see a difference! Let that be the last thing you do before bedtime. If you can, write at least one positive thing down in the morning and then try to reflect on it. Creating a positive attitude takes time and reprogramming your brain will take effort on your part. Start out small and add to it.

Talk to someone who is positive and has an optimistic attitude. You want someone uplifting who is great listener but can also give you some constructive criticism if need be.

If you feel you are beyond the basics of relieving stress, seek professional help even if it is your pastor or other clergy. If a group is available consider trying that. Make an effort to not hold things in.

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10 Reasons to Consider Having Your Own Hydraulic Lift

Until I started working on my own vehicles I thought it was a frivolous thing for an individual to have their own hydraulic lift. After using my best friends time and time again it is amazing the time and money you save by having your own lift:

1) Having your own lift means you can change your own oil and save $$$. Imagine saving at least $10 each time you change your oil and not having to wait in line!

2) Rotate your own tires

3) Make repairs standing up instead of laying on the ground

4) Having a lift can be safer than having your vehicle on mere jack stands. Every so often there is a story in the news where a car on jack stands has slipped off, pinning a person underneath.

5) Work on your brakes standing up instead of kneeling or sitting down on the ground

6) Change your own shocks or struts

7) You can freely inspect the under carriage

8) Save your back instead of hunching over on cars. My best friend recently had to work on his 91 Eagle Talon and having it on the lift he said saved him from bending over and his back becoming stiff. He was able to lift the car to a comfortable level.

9) Do maintenance on your transmission: change the fluid and/or the filter standing up

10) Watch how components are working. Every once in awhile one of our vehicles may have an issue (popping noise, clanking metal, something leaking, squeaking…) That may require one of us watching things move (or possibly not).

 

Ultimately a lift can save you time not having to go to the mechanic shop and wait until a bay becomes available and/or having to pay a shop to look at your vehicle or change your oil, transmission fluid, or differential gear oil. You can rotate your own tires, work on brakes at eye level too. There are some drawbacks to having one such as routine maintenance, making sure components are lubricated, you have to have a building big enough to set one up; putting it together, family and friends taking advantage of you because you have a lift; people treating you like a mechanic shop. With some cars it requires you to get on your knees to position the arms and pads in the correct location; sometimes you have to change out the adapters, depending on the height of the vehicle. On occasion we have helped family and friends do work on their transmission (like replacing it), changing out the transfer case or replacing a fuel pump. Just today my best friend changed out my broken motor mounts on my 2000 VW Passat and claimed it was just as easy as replacing them in our Jeep Cherokees. He says it was easy thanks in part to having the lift.

Overall though, you can work on your own vehicle anytime, take a break anytime you want. Having a lift allows you to get to know your vehicle. The hydraulic lifts really are not that expensive, my best friend’s dad got his at harbor freight about eight years ago for a very reasonable price. With all the vehicle repairs and maintenance we have done using the lift, it has paid for it self over and over again .

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How to Save Money on Car Repairs

One of the first things I wanted to do at 16 was learn as much as I could about car maintenance and how to do the basic things: check the oil, change the oil, flush the radiator, change a tire…etc. When I started to have common issues with my first car (fuel pump quitting, starter dying, timing belt going) the cost of those repairs really ate at me.

After dealing with mechanics who took advantage of me and gouged me with costly repairs I made a vow to myself I would find a vehicle I could do most of the maintenance and repairs myself. Five years ago I bought a 1992 Jeep Cherokee Sport off Ebay. My best friend aka the Jeep Guru has helped guide me through a lot of the repairs I have done.

Last Fall I ended up with the project of a lifetime: rebuild my mom’s 1993 Jeep Cherokee Country that had a fire in the engine compartment. While the engine was not injured in the fire, most of the damage was on the drivers side that included the air box, computer, brake booster & cylinder, radiator, intake manifold, valve cover, power steering pump and the steering box.  My mom wanted the Jeep to be salvaged and I wanted that and her to save money in the process.

We used donor Jeep parts from an XJ we have from a friend, parts from an XJ that was at my brother’s work in TX, An XJ off roading friend from KY, Ebay, new parts from O’Reilly Auto, Advance Auto and Crown Automotive, which we are a dealer of. I spent a great deal of time writing an entire list of the parts needed to complete the project as well as doing price research.

If you would like to save money on repairs:

1) Find out if your automobile has a forum- there are plenty of forums out there for Jeep Cherokee’s (XJ’s). I found forums for my recently acquired 2000 VW Passat GLS, before I purchased the car off Ebay. I was able to learn about many of the common issues, how to take care of them myself as well as save a lot of money.

2) If you can buy used parts and save money go that route. Some parts are not meant to be purchased used and often times you will learn this through the forums. Most parts though you should be able to find at a junk yard, Ebay or through the forums through trades or purchases with transactions through PayPal.

3)Buy a service manual. Most auto parts stores sell service manuals whether they are Haynes or Chilton. Some book stores that sell new or used may have them as well. If all else fails, then definitely google and some forums may have a PDF version of a service manual for your vehicle. Many times Ebay may have sellers who have CD’s or downloads (just review feedback before making a transaction). Learn as much as you can about your vehicle and repairs.

4) If you feel comfortable working on your own vehicle or you know someone who would be willing to assist you or help do the work then go for it. If not then ask your mechanic if they are will to put on a part that you purchased.

5) Ask your mechanic if you can get a discount if you pay cash for repairs. I recently had to have a snub motor mount put on my car. Because I paid in cash, the mechanic knocked off $23! Before you go to pick up your vehicle make sure you ask.

6) Do NOT let family or friends deter you about your vehicle and repairs. Just because certain vehicles have a reputation does not mean they are lemons or jalopies. Go get involved in a forum about your vehicle, learn from the owners! They are the ones who will reassure you on things that most people would panic over. They are the ones who will direct you to places to purchase parts at reasonable costs, how to make repairs yourself and much more.

7) Find out if your forum has people in your area who work on vehicles like yours. Some forums will have a list of people with similar vehicles who work on the vehicles themselves for reasonable costs.

8) Check engine light is on? Don’t panic, take your vehicle to AutoZone where they will check the codes and print them out for you. Google check engine light codes for your vehicle OR if you are involved in a forum check and see if they have all the info for you. Often times they will.

 

I can recall so many times I have had family and friends question me on having my Jeep and now on my VW Passat, including my brother who is an ASE certified mechanic. What they fail to understand is how much dedication I have put in to learning all I can about my vehicles. I spend countless hours doing research, asking questions on forums and learning about similar issues that others have experienced. This has helped me from feeling unnecessary panic when something goes awry.

Before I purchased my Passat, I was aware that the ABS light was on. Now many people would go into absolute panic if that light was on in their vehicle. Because I had previously assisted a friend in repairing their vehicle that had a similar issue, I knew it was not a big deal. The forum had plenty of discussion on this issue and most would tell you it is NOT a big deal. In fact, many of them recommended a specific person who had rebuilt their ABS modules for a huge fraction of what a professional mechanic shop would charge to replace it with a new one that would in time fail just as the original one has!!! Why pay $600, $700, $800 or even $1,000 to have a new ABS module installed with the same issue as the original? What would it be like to pay someone who was fed up with the company who builds most of the ABS modules for  millions of automobiles to just rebuild and make your ABS module stronger for a mere $100??? Check out http://www.cheapabs.com/ if you are serious about saving money.

Recently my CEL (Check Engine Light) came on in my VW.  Thanks to spending time on the PassatWorld.com forum, I learned that as long as the CEL was not flashing it was not anything serious. And when I had the codes pulled at AutoZone, I learned they were very minor codes. In fact, they were extremely common, very minor ones.

 

Do your research and do not leave it up to others to do it for you. Know your vehicle so you are not the one taken advantage of. Be aware of what the parts cost and learn how long it truly takes to do a repair so you are not taken by others. Learning as much as you can will save you money, time and your sanity in the long run.